@williamwanton: I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@DBMaxP: According to the group of firemen in our floor's breakroom... my microwave popcorn is burnt
@FriendlyAssh0le: if you're having a bad day, remember, there are people out there who have their ex's name tattooed on themselves.
@KeetPotato: [at my date's front door] wait, so you've known i was a koala the whole time? "yeah" [me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf] how tho?
@psybermonkey: Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary Cop on other side: what is he doing