@williamwanton: I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
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@freypalm: My dad: See, when you said you'd met a "special someone" we thought… Me: Go on. My dad: Me: [taking hold of the penguin's flipper] GO ON.
@GulfCoastJake: Tip: When the cop asks you "Do you know how fast you were going?" do NOT respond with "I know, right?!"
@NikiWithIssues: I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!