@williamwanton: I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
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@MableGertrude: I wonder if the earth ever looks at the 2016 election and thinks about hurling itself into the sun.
@JohnLyonTweets: I'll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I've felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
@usermcuserface: Wife: It's not a chick flick! Me: was the movie released in February? W: yes. M: are they standing back to back on the cover? W: sigh.. yes
@KenJennings: WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE 1 Ricochet 2 Retrieve, rethrow 3 Line up birds precisely 4 Huge boulder 5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief