I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
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If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.