My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Yup
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Me My dog
I used to be married, but I’m better now
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm