I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
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I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
January has been Januweary