@DurtMcHurtt: I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
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@GingerGander: Man texted: "I want you to be my little angle." I answered: "Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?" Two days have passed, no reply.
@venomjunkie2: My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
@corysnearowski: My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night