I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
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Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT