@DurtMcHurtt: I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
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@Brampersandon_: [Infomercial] HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!? AUDIENCE: Yes! HOST: Here's how! *rips off his own arm*
@CulturedRuffian: INSTRUCTIONS: 1) Feed a cold. 2) Starve a fever. 3) Make fever watch cold eat. 4) Tell cold he’s a good boy. 5) Look at fever with disdain.
@djdarrellripley: I took my dog to see "Fifty Shades Of Grey" and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book...