I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
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Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Pretty certain I can more drunk
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields