They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
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[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
hmmm
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”