@mattytalks: I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was "be right out,I'm taking a shit"
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@kelkulus: The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
@LorieGZ: My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
@NurseSeymour: I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that's what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
@BruceForce: Some dude told me he's had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.