I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
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Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”