@david8hughes: I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald's bathroom. I'm up $405 or whatever.
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@Elizasoul80: Dear Californians- Quit telling everyone there's a drought. The ocean is right there. You're just lazy.
@joeljeffrey: The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
@jwoodham: DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C'mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
@YesThatAmy: What did I do before Twitter? Well, there's my family and......OH MY GOD WHERE'S MY FAMILY?!?!