I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
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King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.