I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
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[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit