I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
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If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her: