@jackiembouvier: I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said "unexpected item in bagging area".
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@SamGrittner: Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
@3sunzzz: A millennial told me that he and his friends weren't on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, "Finally, we won!"
@Quartzjixler: I was late so I shoved a whole taco into my mouth. It was a sight to behold based on the facial expression of the lady in the adjacent car.
@TEXASVETERAN: I just read a bumper sticker that said, "Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you love Satan." Sent from iPhone.