I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
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me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Barbie gone wild
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!