I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
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can鈥檛 get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Me: Let鈥檚 go shopping
Him: Let鈥檚 stay home
Me: Let鈥檚 talk about our feelings
Him: Let鈥檚 go shopping
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who鈥檚 talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Stop telling me to drink water. I鈥檓 a full grown dehydrated adult.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it鈥檚 my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT鈥橲 MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Me: Look buddy, I鈥檓 not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that鈥檚 exactly why I鈥檝e asked you to leave
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?