I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
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A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
good let them take over I have had enough
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*