@serialmatrix: I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room."
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@blainecapatch: whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he's taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
@ilovepie84: I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
@iamkevinito: Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge.
@BrettDruck: What's it like to work in customer service/retail? Imagine there's a race of people called customers. Now imagine you're a huge racist.