I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
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[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I’M CRYINGGG
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later