@jordanklepper: I bought a dog so I wouldn't feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
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@JohnLyonTweets: *watches Beauty and the Beast* *looks at dirty dishes in sink* WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
@INDlAN_: Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires. *Can I have oreos?* [NO]
@ThugPickles: OMG! THERE'S A SERIAL KILLER ON THE LOOSE! "OMG." Wtf are you doing?! "HIDING MY DAMN CEREAL!"
@jonnysun: ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe [5 hrs later] ME: ok fine maybe ur right WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant