@jordanklepper: I bought a dog so I wouldn't feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
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@mynameisntdave: [diner] ME: I'll have the eggs, please WAITER: how would you like those? ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
@hatehug: I've been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I'm about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
@Tups13: "Of course you can trust me. Look, I'll prove it. Close your eyes and fall backwards. I'll catch you." *Bing! Twitter notification!* Thud.