@jordanklepper: I bought a dog so I wouldn't feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
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@generaldietz: FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you? RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
@Aspersioncast: My daily horoscope says I just lost all of my decent followers by posting my daily horoscope on Twitter.
@MandiAtRandom: Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth...and drink all the vodka inside. It seems to help