@jordanklepper: I bought a dog so I wouldn't feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@ARealTinderella: You know, you don't realise what you've got until you don't have it. I just ran out of toilet paper ...
@BuckyIsotope: ME: who's a good boy *kissy noises* DOG: I just murdered the cat ME: you are, yes you are *rubs dog's head* DOG: you're next buddy
@Burtslorp: *Jesus looks over bill from last supper* "It looks like a fair tip would be about 30 silver." "I got this!" Judas yells, almost too quickly.
@rockymomax: BAILIFF: do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the ME: no JUDGE: [flipping through law handbook] what do we do if he says no?