@jordanklepper: I bought a dog so I wouldn't feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
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@TheBoydP: Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field. Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
@IamEnidColeslaw: if Lindsay Lohan can call herself an artist, I can call myself a german shepherd
@The_Grant_Boldt: "Mom can you pick me up a new comforter at the store?" "Okay" *Mom returns with Morgan Freeman* "I love you mom"
@matt___nelson: "Will he ever wake up?" He's been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull* *patient wakes up to turn off the music*