I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
You Might Also Like
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Going to church you guys need anything
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram