I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
You Might Also Like
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
no one likes gloating