BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
You Might Also Like
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?