Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
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Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞