I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
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Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
just pretend nothing happened
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!