“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
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inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no