I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
You Might Also Like
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I didn’t realize that was an option
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.