Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
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Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I occasionally drink every single night.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.