I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
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84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene