*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
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*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Dishonest mechanic?
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom