@AimeeHelene1: I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
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@Home_Halfway: WAITER:What would you like? ME:What would YOU like? W:Excuse me? M:No one ever asks you, do they? W:*tearing up* No.. they don't. Thank you.
@nojeshua: [mysterious British man rescues me] Me: How? Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.