Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
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Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine