My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
You Might Also Like
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Can Happiness buy money?
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Just parrot things
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally