I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
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crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I think this cat is broken
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.