I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
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COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol