@lazerdoov: I bought "extra whitening" toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
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@envydatropic: When my friends come over they know to ask "may I sit here" and then we look at my dog to see if it's OK
@Up2Long: Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I'm stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
@SkylarGarland: "I'll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter" (How I'd die in a horror movie)
@JasonLastname: Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet