I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
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People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”