I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
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A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?