I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
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sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.