Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
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The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.