@Anon_imosity: I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday. Not a great gift I know, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it
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@ShortSleeveSuit: [death row sitcom] Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw! Warden [flicks switch]: That's about to change Sign: *APPLAUSE*
@shesananteater: Cathy on FB is "feeling annoyed" and is asking why people even own cell phones if they're not gonna answer. Can I tell her? Pleeease.
@wimpsicle: How you doin' Jerusalem! "WINE" Here's a new tric- "MAKE WINE" Please, I've been working very hard on my routi- *dodges stone jars of water*