Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
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I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo