ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
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I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend