I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
You Might Also Like
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
inventing words: clothing
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Breaking news:
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March