I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
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If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host