@realHamOnWry: I bought myself two eggplants and so far neither has laid a single egg.
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@Cheeseboy22: My problem with McDonalds is I can't go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can't fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
@ParasiteHilton: *”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl* Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr— *300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
@MattMcElaney: "...any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or..." They're engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook! *crowd GASPS*