The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
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Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Always a metermaid never a meter
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.