I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
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The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before