*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
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I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.