first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 馃槶馃槶 am I doing this wrong
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happy birthday to me. i am 25.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I think it鈥檚 nice when bank robbers carpool.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
For me, it鈥檚 not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one鈥檚 around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what鈥檚 your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I鈥檒l drink to that
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?