@ChrisThayerSays: I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
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@pinupteacher: WAITER: Would you like any dessert? DATE: No, just the ch- ME: CHEESECAKE. Just the cheesecake.
@TheThomason: New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he's the Joker.
@CanadianCyn: Today is my 18th wedding anniversary. If my husband doesn't give me a divorce as a gift I'm telling his girlfriend.
@TheLOLYBible: "But Lot's wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot was like 'wtf' " Genesis 19:26