@celticrose2312: I bought shampoo for "badly behaved" hair. So relieved my hair will finally stop robbing banks and terrorising old ladies.
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@envydatropic: I get a new phone every year just so my friends don't think I'm lying when I tell them I've lost their number Avoidance is expensive
@serialmatrix: How school works: In class: 2+2=4 Homework: 2+4+2=8 Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun's mass.
@missokistic: Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
@JPHaddadio: Last year I ate out alone on Valentine's Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.