I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
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[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.