I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
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Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL