@DebHawk12: I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
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@JermHimselfish: Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
@daemonic3: Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers' carryon bags, but they went over their heads
@IamEveryDayPpl: The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine... Idiots.
@PhilJamesson: Doctor: The tests came back. They don't look good. The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place