I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
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My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
#Caturday
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Incredible customer service.
“Sheer Arrogance”
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly