@DebHawk12: I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
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@abbycohenwl: Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor? Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help M: My son broke his leg! V: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck
@iRowlf: Lowe's banned me for yelling "From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!", as I explained how much carpet I needed.
@jordan_stratton: [Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream] Oh my god, Linda, it's like you've never even heard of ants.
@wescraw: We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they'll dig the wrong way. It's called thinking ahead guys.