@SamuelHLowe: I bought some super sensitive condoms a few months ago and they won't stop crying because I don't use them.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser: People are obsessed with this storm but in ten years no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
@TravLeBlanc: I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
@DoritosOverHoes: "YOUR 15" is trending worldwide instead of "YOU'RE 15" and that's why we haven't found a cure for cancer yet.
@007Rex_Inc: There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter....if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.