@SamuelHLowe: I bought some super sensitive condoms a few months ago and they won't stop crying because I don't use them.
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@EndhooS: [Dinner with GFs parents] *Does shadow puppet of a bird* "Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?" Um *smooths tie* I'm unemployed
@OutOfLeftField_: Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He's not ill, just really crap in bed.
@mrjohndarby: *releases swarm of killer wasps* - ATTACK! *wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions* - Hmm... time for plan bee
@radtoria: [intercom] Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren't taking us seriously.