@SamuelHLowe: I bought some super sensitive condoms a few months ago and they won't stop crying because I don't use them.
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@TheIronSherk: Why is it called a "network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows" and not "Moo-LAN"
@daemonic3: [1st date] HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it? ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
@JohnLyonTweets: This haunted house sucks. It's just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
@Qu4rtKn33: Women who draw in their eyebrows are making a serious decision about what mood they're in for the rest of that day.