Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
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I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Van Gone
Lmfao
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I mean…but I did
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..