@ilovepie84: I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
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@djdarrellripley: Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman's brain is lighter than a man's. Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
@MartaEffing: *hears suspicious noise in backyard, is too lazy to get up & investigate* *smells cookies baking at neighbors house, immediately goes over*
@causticbob: I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. 'Dad, that's the first time' 'That's a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.' So I robbed a bank